Stupid Hospitals

So Jake had the spinal fusion on Weds. It went marvelously. The doctor couldn't believe how deteriorated his spine was. He was surprised he wasn't in more pain. I'm not exactly sure how the procedure went but I know that he now has cadaver bone in his spine. His family didn't think it was funny when right before the surgery I said "Hopefully the guy didn't die while getting spine surgery."

I had obviously been so nervous for months before the surgery but after seeing the doctor once it was done, I was the happiest lady alive. The doctor was so confident in everything. I just felt great. It was a good two hours before I saw Jake again and became the saddest lady alive.

He has had this terrible pain since January. No one knows what caused it. They're assuming some childhood injury started it. So after doing therapy, getting a few epidurals, getting millions of tests, they had to up his pain meds. Started on one med, switched to a much stronger one, and it just went up and up. For the last two months he has been on some of the strongest drugs there are. And also some of the drugs with the worst stigmas attached.

So the lovely hospital decides to give him like 1/10th of the amount of meds he takes at home. So to say the kid was in the most terrible pain ever is an understatement. I do like to exaggerate but trust me when I say he was way over a 10 on that awkward 1-10 pain scale with all the weird faces that I thought was for children but apparently is for adults too.

I understand the hospital doesn't want to kill him and that there was nothing the nurses could have done without the doctors approval and am happy they were there to help but I literally hated  everyone. It's the hospitals job to at least keep you comfortable. He had a spinal fusion. He should have obviously been in pain. But in such bad pain you're almost brought to tears for two days straight? He slept for maybe 20 minutes the entire time we were there. Bring him down under a 10.

It was seriously the worst thing I've ever seen. What do you do when people are in that much pain? It was even hard for me to make inappropriate jokes (but I still managed to come through).

We are home now. Life is lovely. He is still in terrible pain but nowhere near what he was in a few days ago. I know it's all worth it though. It was an inevidable surgery. I'd rather him do it now that have him do it in another 5 years when we have 9 children running around (octomom who?)

hotness

I am pretty sure my day started off with a nice sunburn. Or maybe it ended with one. My face is hot. We just got back from the lake. I'm pretty sure if they invent an SPF 1000000 it still won't be strong enough for me irish potato head.

apparently Jake doesn't like when I wear red lipstick. Even though my teeth are ridiculously white right now (what up Crest 3D strip thingys). Since other people do, I have decided to ignore what Jake thinks. Not like it matters if he thinks I'm hot, we are already married.

I'm still a little annoyed I'm not at kesha. I was hoping he would surprise me with tickets. Instead he surprised me by not getting tickets. Oh well

Book

Finally got the inspiration for my book. Very excited. Now just need the inspiration to write it. Maybe in a couple years....



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Groupon goe$ down and make$ me $ad (pic$)

My mom gets the award for coolest present (didn't know it was a contest did you?)

She said she knew I would like to have a cover of just myself but was nice enough to realize I was too fat and added Jake to the pic. I am obsessed with it. I can't wait until more people see it and tell me how cool I am. Then they can ask where my mom got it and I can tell them I have absolutely no idea. Because I have absolutely no idea.

Everyday I check Groupon (and every site that is like it). Midnight is usually my favorite part of the day. It's when all the deals switch. I check them to see what I will not be buying that day. Or check to see what I will be buying and then never using. A few months before Ke$ha (wow do I feel like an idiot writing it that way) had her show here, Groupon had some deal where you could get tickets for way cheaper. While I debated on buying it (this is before I knew LMFAO was going to be there too), it sold out. I was not pleased with my decision.

Luckily she will be in Seattle when we are there. I also check Seattles site all the time since we go so much. The show is a week from Saturday and still no discounted tickets. What's going on Seattle?? Yesterday my Groupon app didn't work. When it finally did, I checked out Seattle.............

 w.t.f.

On a more pleasant note I fit into the dress I wore to our Seattle reception. Haven't fit into that in years. That might not be a true statement since I also haven't tried it on in years. (see how the dresser behind me is still dirty?)

Oh while I was writing this my second favorite part of the day happened. The mail came and Haylie freaked the F out. She protected our house from the evil mail. She does this every day. Since no one ever comes into our house when the mail person comes, I bet she is very proud of herself for stopping them. I do tend to miss out on important info though.

(Jake's hairy leg, not my hairy leg)

Bus Blog

There are crazy people on the bus. Hopefully people aren't looking at me the same thing. I hate the bus. Hate it. I like driving. However I don't like to pay $28 to park downtown for 4 hours when I will prob be lucky to make $50 in those 4 hours.

Jake is being lovely and being my chauffeur for the next two weeks. Unfortunately he is not lovely at all and will only drive me to the bus stop and not all the way downtown.

I'm hoping during his two weeks off he decides to clean and organize the entire house. It would actually take two weeks since he only has one working hand. And it's his left hand.

The other day I decided I needed to organize the beautiful dresser jake made




That's a 50 inch tv on top of it. The dresser is huge. I've decided it's a good place to store random crap. Shoes, bills, books. Anything but clothes. So I emptied out the drawers filled w crap



Then I decided to leave. Then I got home and organized everything. jk. I rolled it all up into a ball and dumped it in the guest room. That was three days ago. Now I have two rooms to organize

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Broken Jake

Surgery is scheduled for October 12. That's basically a month and a half away. I think. I actually have no idea what the date is today. We might be in September already. Hmm. I like having a job where days and dates don't matter. I also like the non stress of not managing. I haven't been this relaxed in years.

I should be absolutely freaking out. Jake can't work for the next 2 weeks because of his recent hand surgery. And in a month and a half he won't be able to work for 6 months. No clue how I will be able to support us for 6 months. Will I have to give up buying nail polish daily? WILL I HAVE TO GIVE UP STARBUCKS?????????

I need to find another job. Or a second job I should say. I do quite love working at Bridge House Tavern. It's lovely. Aren't there any jobs where I get to keep my clothes on where I can make like $400 a night? Like 6 days a week? I know there are. I've made that before. Help.

I told Jake he has to become a phone sex operator. He has a hot voice. He needs to do something so he isn't bored for 6 months.

Hello please be my friend.

Jen Lancaster. I am obsessed. I read Bitter is the New Black almost a year ago and I'm a little bit confused on why I didn't keep reading her other books. They're literally hysterical. I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt while reading Bright Lights, Big Ass.

Now I have to spend the rest of the weekend reading the rest of her books and blog. Luckily since I have no life and read faster than any human, this should take approximately 13 minutes.

Thank you Jen for inspiring me to finally write again. I need to update my diary. I'm trying to put the entire thing in order. So it's more of a story. Unfortunately while 9 year old Kelly was quite funny, I was also quite boring. And I also wrote mean things sometimes that I won't ever put online. Not that anyone I wrote mean things about would ever read it because honestly, I don't even know if they are alive....but still. I hate being mean. Jake is judgemental enough for the both of us.

Now everyone subscribe to this blog because I will post on it 7 times a day and will learn how to write again (just wrote right. Not a good start) and I will be very funny. 


P.S. Soon I will be 30. 30!!!!!!!!!!!!! on 11-11-11. Hopefully it's as wild as my 29th.

Two timing parents

I've just busted my mother. I text her letting her know that the first minute of real housewives of jersey was insane. She let me know I am NOT ALLOWED TO WATCH IT WITHOUT HER. So I asked if she wanted to come over. It is 8:30 which is literally my parents bedtime. She wrote back "i'll come in 15 when dad goes to bed"

What is that???? How can she deceive my dad like that?


My gosh I am so excited she is sneaking around because this season is by far the best season I've seen of ANYTHING. I think that that is my fate. me and jake against my bro and his awesome gf.. and against our dad. But according to rhnj, we win. So i'm fine. As long as I win I am fine with any outcome.

I used to be a sickly child. I was a freshman in high school and missed like 80 days of school (who knew being awesome was a sickness). I missed many a friday night to be sick in bed and have my mom come in my room and hang out and watch Boy Meets World With Me. Actually all of TGIF but that one sticks out the most. I still love that. If Boy Meets World was still on I'd watch it with mi madre every Friday night (unless she was busy. She is way more popular than I am).

Bottom line, watching TV with your mom is fun. Prob more fun than anyone else had tonight. FACT

JTT

One fall day sometime in 7th grade my mother woke me up to tell me we were going to a meet and greet. Who was this amazing meet and greet with? Ooh just



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JTT

Not an actual diary entry but prob my most prized possession of those years.


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I think I'm terrified

I leave a week from today to start my new job training. I will be a manager at a restaurant. In order to be a manager at this restaurant I have to go to Dallas for 5 weeks. In order to become a manager at Cubby Bear they said "do you want to be a manager?" i said "yes" That is the end of the story.

I am beyond excited for this job. I have been so bored forever. But months and months and honestly prob years ago Jake and I decided we wouldn't do this long distance crap again. The first few years we dated we figured it out that we saw each other a total of 3 months in like two years. I said I'd never do it again.

The weird thing is it's not for Jakes job, it's for mine. I am the one that is leaving him. He has to stay and guard Haylie dog. He has to pay our bills. He has to buy the groceries. I am the one that will live out of hotels.

I really can't compare my new job with his life on the road. It isn't even comparable. I won't be in a new city every night. I won't be fighting off the sluts (I'm assuming he did. With a bat. He is way hot. If not I will go back and hit him with a bat).

I will be in a nice hotel for 5 weeks. Actually two hotels due to the Superbowl. Even though I really don't care about football it would be way cool to live in Dallas if the Bears were in the superbowl and the superbowl is in Dallas. I'm assuming some people I know will be there.

Originally Jake had to visit me once. I thought I'd be gone for 4 weeks. But if it's 5 weeks, he will visit me at least twice (and maybe more if he wants to drive his ass to Texas).

So in conclusion, this is what we used to look like

That hair is the most embarrassing part of my life EVER

 Eyeliner contest

 I'm still ok with this and always will be

Things changed a little

On our way to the poor house

I hate being poor. Luckily now that we are poor I realize how god awful I am (was. I'm cured) with money. Finding boxes and boxes full of shoes I've never worn is depressing. I always justified it because I don't buy designer and they'd only cost me like $20-$30. Unfortunately times that by 100 and I was prob better off buying the designer stuff thats actually comfy and I'd wear.

So to ebay I've gone. Selling it all. For 99 cents. My precious shoes are about to be gone. I don't know how we will play dress up (me and friends. Jake hasn't played dress up with me in weeks).

It's the beginning of Friday night. I'm cleaning will listening to Glee. Actually I was doing that. Now I'm blogging while listening to Glee while Robot Downey Jr cleans for me.

Saw a new Roomba at Costco that I need. You can schedule it to clean at specific times. And it goes back onto its charger by itself!

Maybe I should pay my bills first. I keep telling Jake we are about to lose our house because we are so broke. Cause in my head I will still be jobless in a few months and we will have blown through our savings. I think we are safe for a few months.

Worst case scenario Jake can become a hooker. I think I'd make a good pimp

A wild day at the best place on earth

Lighting a bong maybe????? (side note. never smoked in my life)

 bff