Hello internet!

I've had a lot of my fans faxing me and telling me they'd like me to start logging again.  Oops. Now do I corrrct that or do I just change tactics. I was going to start blogging again but life has decided it has other options for me. So a logging I shall go. See you soon.

Xoxo. Gossip girl.

The Five Stages of Grief (about having to wake up with the baby)

1. Denial and Isolation

NO NO NO NO NO. Was that a cry I just heard? Didn't I just fall asleep? I just changed her two hours ago. How does she need me to feed and change her already? Let's try sticking this pacifier in her mouth. Maybe that will trick her. No? Now what?  

 2. Anger

This is effing stupid. I hate waking up. Why can't she feed herself? She's almost 3 and a half months. I can sleep through the night without waking up to eat. Why can't she? Ok sometimes I have to raid the fridge but string cheese sounds awesome at 4am.

 3. Bargaining

 "OK Jake, you change her this time and I promise I"ll get up with her the next five times. I'll get up with her every time she wakes up for the next two weeks if you just get up this time"

4. Depression

 Ugh. My life sucks. Why don't I get to sleep for 12 hours anymore?  Why am I not richer? I could afford a nanny and she (or he) could get up with her.

 5. Acceptance

 Eh I'm not that tired anyway. Sleep is overrated. Ok, I'll do this. I can catch up on Buzzfeed while I feed her. She only eats for five minutes anyway. I can have her fed, changed, and back asleep within 10 minutes. This isn't so bad.

There's also an unknown 6th step

6. Manipulation

Fake sleep and let the husband deal with it. 

 

 

Let's see if I can figure this out

Haven't used this in quite some time. I went over to Tumblr for awhile but the only thing that's good for is looking at pictures of Bane. 

So now I will try to find a normal layout and I will try to think of things to say.

Stupid Hospitals

So Jake had the spinal fusion on Weds. It went marvelously. The doctor couldn't believe how deteriorated his spine was. He was surprised he wasn't in more pain. I'm not exactly sure how the procedure went but I know that he now has cadaver bone in his spine. His family didn't think it was funny when right before the surgery I said "Hopefully the guy didn't die while getting spine surgery."

I had obviously been so nervous for months before the surgery but after seeing the doctor once it was done, I was the happiest lady alive. The doctor was so confident in everything. I just felt great. It was a good two hours before I saw Jake again and became the saddest lady alive.

He has had this terrible pain since January. No one knows what caused it. They're assuming some childhood injury started it. So after doing therapy, getting a few epidurals, getting millions of tests, they had to up his pain meds. Started on one med, switched to a much stronger one, and it just went up and up. For the last two months he has been on some of the strongest drugs there are. And also some of the drugs with the worst stigmas attached.

So the lovely hospital decides to give him like 1/10th of the amount of meds he takes at home. So to say the kid was in the most terrible pain ever is an understatement. I do like to exaggerate but trust me when I say he was way over a 10 on that awkward 1-10 pain scale with all the weird faces that I thought was for children but apparently is for adults too.

I understand the hospital doesn't want to kill him and that there was nothing the nurses could have done without the doctors approval and am happy they were there to help but I literally hated  everyone. It's the hospitals job to at least keep you comfortable. He had a spinal fusion. He should have obviously been in pain. But in such bad pain you're almost brought to tears for two days straight? He slept for maybe 20 minutes the entire time we were there. Bring him down under a 10.

It was seriously the worst thing I've ever seen. What do you do when people are in that much pain? It was even hard for me to make inappropriate jokes (but I still managed to come through).

We are home now. Life is lovely. He is still in terrible pain but nowhere near what he was in a few days ago. I know it's all worth it though. It was an inevidable surgery. I'd rather him do it now that have him do it in another 5 years when we have 9 children running around (octomom who?)

hotness

I am pretty sure my day started off with a nice sunburn. Or maybe it ended with one. My face is hot. We just got back from the lake. I'm pretty sure if they invent an SPF 1000000 it still won't be strong enough for me irish potato head.

apparently Jake doesn't like when I wear red lipstick. Even though my teeth are ridiculously white right now (what up Crest 3D strip thingys). Since other people do, I have decided to ignore what Jake thinks. Not like it matters if he thinks I'm hot, we are already married.

I'm still a little annoyed I'm not at kesha. I was hoping he would surprise me with tickets. Instead he surprised me by not getting tickets. Oh well

Book

Finally got the inspiration for my book. Very excited. Now just need the inspiration to write it. Maybe in a couple years....



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Groupon goe$ down and make$ me $ad (pic$)

My mom gets the award for coolest present (didn't know it was a contest did you?)

She said she knew I would like to have a cover of just myself but was nice enough to realize I was too fat and added Jake to the pic. I am obsessed with it. I can't wait until more people see it and tell me how cool I am. Then they can ask where my mom got it and I can tell them I have absolutely no idea. Because I have absolutely no idea.

Everyday I check Groupon (and every site that is like it). Midnight is usually my favorite part of the day. It's when all the deals switch. I check them to see what I will not be buying that day. Or check to see what I will be buying and then never using. A few months before Ke$ha (wow do I feel like an idiot writing it that way) had her show here, Groupon had some deal where you could get tickets for way cheaper. While I debated on buying it (this is before I knew LMFAO was going to be there too), it sold out. I was not pleased with my decision.

Luckily she will be in Seattle when we are there. I also check Seattles site all the time since we go so much. The show is a week from Saturday and still no discounted tickets. What's going on Seattle?? Yesterday my Groupon app didn't work. When it finally did, I checked out Seattle.............

 w.t.f.

On a more pleasant note I fit into the dress I wore to our Seattle reception. Haven't fit into that in years. That might not be a true statement since I also haven't tried it on in years. (see how the dresser behind me is still dirty?)

Oh while I was writing this my second favorite part of the day happened. The mail came and Haylie freaked the F out. She protected our house from the evil mail. She does this every day. Since no one ever comes into our house when the mail person comes, I bet she is very proud of herself for stopping them. I do tend to miss out on important info though.

(Jake's hairy leg, not my hairy leg)

Bus Blog

There are crazy people on the bus. Hopefully people aren't looking at me the same thing. I hate the bus. Hate it. I like driving. However I don't like to pay $28 to park downtown for 4 hours when I will prob be lucky to make $50 in those 4 hours.

Jake is being lovely and being my chauffeur for the next two weeks. Unfortunately he is not lovely at all and will only drive me to the bus stop and not all the way downtown.

I'm hoping during his two weeks off he decides to clean and organize the entire house. It would actually take two weeks since he only has one working hand. And it's his left hand.

The other day I decided I needed to organize the beautiful dresser jake made




That's a 50 inch tv on top of it. The dresser is huge. I've decided it's a good place to store random crap. Shoes, bills, books. Anything but clothes. So I emptied out the drawers filled w crap



Then I decided to leave. Then I got home and organized everything. jk. I rolled it all up into a ball and dumped it in the guest room. That was three days ago. Now I have two rooms to organize

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Broken Jake

Surgery is scheduled for October 12. That's basically a month and a half away. I think. I actually have no idea what the date is today. We might be in September already. Hmm. I like having a job where days and dates don't matter. I also like the non stress of not managing. I haven't been this relaxed in years.

I should be absolutely freaking out. Jake can't work for the next 2 weeks because of his recent hand surgery. And in a month and a half he won't be able to work for 6 months. No clue how I will be able to support us for 6 months. Will I have to give up buying nail polish daily? WILL I HAVE TO GIVE UP STARBUCKS?????????

I need to find another job. Or a second job I should say. I do quite love working at Bridge House Tavern. It's lovely. Aren't there any jobs where I get to keep my clothes on where I can make like $400 a night? Like 6 days a week? I know there are. I've made that before. Help.

I told Jake he has to become a phone sex operator. He has a hot voice. He needs to do something so he isn't bored for 6 months.

Hello please be my friend.

Jen Lancaster. I am obsessed. I read Bitter is the New Black almost a year ago and I'm a little bit confused on why I didn't keep reading her other books. They're literally hysterical. I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt while reading Bright Lights, Big Ass.

Now I have to spend the rest of the weekend reading the rest of her books and blog. Luckily since I have no life and read faster than any human, this should take approximately 13 minutes.

Thank you Jen for inspiring me to finally write again. I need to update my diary. I'm trying to put the entire thing in order. So it's more of a story. Unfortunately while 9 year old Kelly was quite funny, I was also quite boring. And I also wrote mean things sometimes that I won't ever put online. Not that anyone I wrote mean things about would ever read it because honestly, I don't even know if they are alive....but still. I hate being mean. Jake is judgemental enough for the both of us.

Now everyone subscribe to this blog because I will post on it 7 times a day and will learn how to write again (just wrote right. Not a good start) and I will be very funny. 


P.S. Soon I will be 30. 30!!!!!!!!!!!!! on 11-11-11. Hopefully it's as wild as my 29th.

Two timing parents

I've just busted my mother. I text her letting her know that the first minute of real housewives of jersey was insane. She let me know I am NOT ALLOWED TO WATCH IT WITHOUT HER. So I asked if she wanted to come over. It is 8:30 which is literally my parents bedtime. She wrote back "i'll come in 15 when dad goes to bed"

What is that???? How can she deceive my dad like that?


My gosh I am so excited she is sneaking around because this season is by far the best season I've seen of ANYTHING. I think that that is my fate. me and jake against my bro and his awesome gf.. and against our dad. But according to rhnj, we win. So i'm fine. As long as I win I am fine with any outcome.

I used to be a sickly child. I was a freshman in high school and missed like 80 days of school (who knew being awesome was a sickness). I missed many a friday night to be sick in bed and have my mom come in my room and hang out and watch Boy Meets World With Me. Actually all of TGIF but that one sticks out the most. I still love that. If Boy Meets World was still on I'd watch it with mi madre every Friday night (unless she was busy. She is way more popular than I am).

Bottom line, watching TV with your mom is fun. Prob more fun than anyone else had tonight. FACT

JTT

One fall day sometime in 7th grade my mother woke me up to tell me we were going to a meet and greet. Who was this amazing meet and greet with? Ooh just



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JTT

Not an actual diary entry but prob my most prized possession of those years.


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I think I'm terrified

I leave a week from today to start my new job training. I will be a manager at a restaurant. In order to be a manager at this restaurant I have to go to Dallas for 5 weeks. In order to become a manager at Cubby Bear they said "do you want to be a manager?" i said "yes" That is the end of the story.

I am beyond excited for this job. I have been so bored forever. But months and months and honestly prob years ago Jake and I decided we wouldn't do this long distance crap again. The first few years we dated we figured it out that we saw each other a total of 3 months in like two years. I said I'd never do it again.

The weird thing is it's not for Jakes job, it's for mine. I am the one that is leaving him. He has to stay and guard Haylie dog. He has to pay our bills. He has to buy the groceries. I am the one that will live out of hotels.

I really can't compare my new job with his life on the road. It isn't even comparable. I won't be in a new city every night. I won't be fighting off the sluts (I'm assuming he did. With a bat. He is way hot. If not I will go back and hit him with a bat).

I will be in a nice hotel for 5 weeks. Actually two hotels due to the Superbowl. Even though I really don't care about football it would be way cool to live in Dallas if the Bears were in the superbowl and the superbowl is in Dallas. I'm assuming some people I know will be there.

Originally Jake had to visit me once. I thought I'd be gone for 4 weeks. But if it's 5 weeks, he will visit me at least twice (and maybe more if he wants to drive his ass to Texas).

So in conclusion, this is what we used to look like

That hair is the most embarrassing part of my life EVER

 Eyeliner contest

 I'm still ok with this and always will be

Things changed a little

On our way to the poor house

I hate being poor. Luckily now that we are poor I realize how god awful I am (was. I'm cured) with money. Finding boxes and boxes full of shoes I've never worn is depressing. I always justified it because I don't buy designer and they'd only cost me like $20-$30. Unfortunately times that by 100 and I was prob better off buying the designer stuff thats actually comfy and I'd wear.

So to ebay I've gone. Selling it all. For 99 cents. My precious shoes are about to be gone. I don't know how we will play dress up (me and friends. Jake hasn't played dress up with me in weeks).

It's the beginning of Friday night. I'm cleaning will listening to Glee. Actually I was doing that. Now I'm blogging while listening to Glee while Robot Downey Jr cleans for me.

Saw a new Roomba at Costco that I need. You can schedule it to clean at specific times. And it goes back onto its charger by itself!

Maybe I should pay my bills first. I keep telling Jake we are about to lose our house because we are so broke. Cause in my head I will still be jobless in a few months and we will have blown through our savings. I think we are safe for a few months.

Worst case scenario Jake can become a hooker. I think I'd make a good pimp

A wild day at the best place on earth

Lighting a bong maybe????? (side note. never smoked in my life)

 bff

Getting rich

I have this goal this year. Make 100 grand. That's not counting Jake's contribution. That's me. Somehow I have to make $100,000. Now at my salary this is impossible. But I will push myself. I will bartend even when I am exhausted. I will do whatever it takes to (legally and not grossly) make $100,000.00. I have less than 6 months to make a whole lot of money. I am infatuated with my job. I am obsessed. I like to work. I am not working this weekend. But that is ok. I will find fun things to do to pass the time.

I have always wished I could have the same days off as the hot hubby. Our schedules give us horrible hang out times. But I've had them this weekend. And he went outside to hang w my bro. Hang w my old neighbor. Hang with the new neighbors who speak no english. I'm not complaining. Don't take this the wrong way. I could have said, "Hey Jake, why don't you hang out with me?"  If that were the case, I wouldn't have finally been able to give this place the deep clean it needed, couldn't have watched all these episodes of Desperate Housewives I've been dying to watch. Couldn't have made him go rent me "The Runaways" from Redbox. And then couldn't have watched it on my computer cause I was too lazy to get out of bed to watch it on the slightly bigger tv we have in the living room.

Also we saw Inception this am. Then argued about the ending. How unique are we?

Great dancing

Ok it's awkward enough to do karaoke but why do you have to do an akward dance along with it? It's not like a full dance routine so it's just something you thought up spur of the moment. It makes me uncomfortable. Your bad voice isn't doing anything to help this awkwardness.

Tonight was the slowest starting night in the history of the world. You know your night is going to be interesting when it starts with tornado sirens going off in Wrigleyville. I kept picturing a tornado touching down inside the park and then tearing through the front. Would have been the coolest thing I ever saw. I'm assuming it also would have been the last thing I ever saw.

Stacy Carter is a mean girl

Stacy made me confess one of my more embarrassing stories to Jake the other night when we went out to dinner.

There was a time in my life where I was 100% sure Enrique Igleseis (not sure how to spell that) was on his way to my house....on his way to my parents basement.

We had this party type thing when we first moved into the basement. When Stacy and I moved, not when Jake and I moved. I was friends with some lame ass dj from B96 and he was at Enriques show at Allstate. He said after they had to go back to the studio so on his way, they would stop over.

So I thought Enrique was coming over and then Stacy decided everyone else should know too. So we definitely looked like fools when he didn't come. Maybe he got stuck in traffic.

I also used to want to go to whitestar more than anything in the world. i knew it would be the coolest place on earth. I ended up going and it was the lamest place in the whole world. But someone took our picture and we ended up on the website. I will admit, it did make me feel cool.

Writing this does not make me feel cool.

Pictures of my fun life. from years past

I haven't taken a journey through photobucket in quite some time.

This is Haylie godzilla Hagerty. I am not sure if she is a Wambold or not.



That must have been when she was on the Southbeach Diet. or when she was trying out for an anorexic dog.

I am in desperate need of a haircut. I will probably do this



No joke, that is not a helmet. That is her for real hair.

I can't remember my other photobuckets names or passwords. Those had fun pictures. All this one has is pictures of my shoe and pictures of Haylie. There are possibly a few from that band Jake was in but no one is interested in that so I will leave it alone.

I think maybe today after work I am going to buy one of those tiny computers. I saw one at best buy and fell in love. I wonder what time best buy closes. I could very easily find out this information if I just switched tabs and looked it up. But I wont.

Like a month before the wedding we went back to tacoma. We ended up going to this....club? but it wasnt a club. it was in a weird building. so i guess we went to a party that claimed to be a club. there were soooooo many people there





We had so much fun





Then some dude ruined it by telling jake he needed girls to go back with him to some other part and couldn't understand why jake wanted to kill him because he asked if he could bring me and ashlee.

I used to be a robot



God this is boring.

I tricked you with the title. This is not from my fun life. My fun life isnt documented.

This is disgusting on so many levels. How did Jake meet me when i looked like this? or how did he date me?



But he used to look like this. And troy used to look like this!!!



My life is embarassing. I need more writing practice. I shall attempt again in a few hours.